Thursday, August 30, 2012

Nothing's Changed

Well, not really. Except maybe he's even more crazy/delusional than I thought.

Anyway, I just put those posts away so I didn't have to look at them constantly. I can still link to them if/when needed.

When everything went down last Monday, and I went off like Mount St. Helen's, he told me he "was done".
I quit talking to him, he quit talking to me, we avoided being in the same room with each other, didn't so much as look at the other.

The day before yesterday he was at the firehouse, and then the schedule said he was supposed to be on the ambulance yesterday, the clinic today, and the firehouse again tomorrow.
He texted R and said when he left the clinic, he was probably just going to spend the night at the firehouse.

Turned out he had gotten his days mixed up and wasn't scheduled to be on the ambulance yesterday after all, so he came home.

Started out the same as every other day over the past week and a half: neither of us acknowledged the other, and he went off into the livingroom to sit in the recliner and get on his laptop.

At one point I laid down on the bed for a nap (I'm not sleeping well at night), I was also coughing a little bit. Me and R both feel like we're getting a chest cold or something.  Anyway he came in here and put his hand on my hip and asked if I was sick.
I froze him out until he left the room with a huff.

He went back to the livingroom, and deactivated his Facebook account.

Later me and R went to the grocery store, where I bought about 5 family packages of chicken on sale.
I brought them in and started dividing them up into dinner size portions, putting them in freezer bags.
Out of the blue, J came in there and helped me with it.

I didn't tell him to eff off, but continued ignoring him, like he wasn't even there.

Later, while I fixed dinner, he hung around in the kitchen and cleaned off and straightened up his messy counter without me having to say anything about it.

Later, I was laying on the bed watching TLC and he comes in there and lays down on his side of the bed and watches tv with me. (I was watching stupid shows, and shows he don't like, flipping between HGTV and Toddlers & Tiaras. So obviously he wasn't there for the entertainment.)

He reached forward and touched my foot...I don't know what he was doing, I jerked it away and froze him out again.

But then a few minutes later he leans over near my back, like he's going to whisper in my ear or something.
I was like, What the hell are you doing? Get away from me!
He didn't, so I asked, "Don't you have a sky to look at and a whore to think about?"

He backed off then, but said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

That's the kind of crap he says that pisses me off ridiculously. SOB trying to make it out like I'm just making stuff up, twisting what he said.

But I didn't want the cops to show up at the door again, so I managed to refrain from saying anything else.

Then he said, "Well, I do, but I don't"..or maybe it was, "I don't, but I do". I can't exactly remember now.

I don't know what he meant by it, and I was afraid to ask, pretty sure his answer (excuses/lies) would infuriate me beyond limits.
But I have an idea that he's attempting to make an arguement for it being something from a long time ago, that I'm still just holding against him after all this time.

I was having a little chat with R the other day, trying to explain to him what had happened, and ease him into the idea that I'm leaving as soon as I can. He told me that when he asked his Dad what happened, he told him that I got mad for something he said to someone a long time ago.

Since July wasn't that long ago, less than a month at that time, it didn't make a lot of sense.
Thinking about it, though, I'm thinking he's going to try arguing that he was saying that was how he felt back then, but does not now.
Therefore, it's just me "taking things out of context", because, you know, I'm just "always looking for something to accuse him of" doing, because "the way I see it" he's guilty.

Only a couple things wrong with his logic, one being his use of word tense.
He said "I sit and look at the sky and wonder if you are as well."
Not, "I used to sit and look at the sky and wonder..."

But the most fatal flaw in his logic, the one that tore me so completely out of the frame, was that, back then, when he'd told me he'd been having an affair, he said it didn't mean anything. It was just sex. That he didn't care about her.
He quit his job to get away from her.
I didn't make him quit his job to get away from her. I didn't even know what was going on until it was already done.

So I spent all these years thinking it was just sex, and that I was still the only one he ever really loved, despite his tail-chasing.

Now, to find out they "had something special", "did a lot together", "shared a lot"...and that he still thinks so, and still thinks about her...

How he can have the balls to face me... to act like he's the wronged, innocent party here.... to make it seem like I'm some kind of deranged, jealous bitch....


I didn't ask what he meant by what he said, and continued to watch tv and ignoring him.

Then he jerked up off the bed, huffing "Oh, but I forgot. You don't give a shit about me anymore."

I'm serious! I couldn't make this kind of thing up!

The man is honest-to-goodness, completely deranged.

He went back to the livingroom, and re-activated his FB account.

I don't know what his thoughts were when he decided to deactivate his account.
I figured he blamed FB for his misdeeds. If I make him guilty, I'm sure FB made him talk with people he ought not have been talking to.

Or maybe he knew he was too weak of character to resist temptation, and thought deactivating it would save him from doing wrong again.
Nahh, that wouldn't be it. He's just fine with his character. He doesn't think he did anything wrong anyway.

Or, if he doesn't have a FB account, then there wouldn't be anything for me to "accuse" him of doing, nothing for me to "take out of context".

Apparently he thought it was in some way a good will gesture on his part, to help me be able to get back in his good graces yesterday.

I don't know. I think he's demented.


Cynthia said...

Oh, yikes. I hadn't read any blogs in a while, so I missed what has been going on (must be detailed on the blogs you put away.) I read this post though. I'm so sorry that all this is happening. Mostly, I'm sorry you can't escape from it instantly. In no way, shape, or form, could I still live in the same house and try to play nice with someone who has lost my trust and wronged our marriage. Love is sacred to me, as I'm sure it is to you. I wish you the best in breaking free of this situation and someday finding a deep, lasting love, that will never wrong you or attempt to touch you with tainted trust again.

Melissa said...

Thanks Cindy.

Basically, I caught him exchanging sweet nothings on FB with a woman he'd had an affair with in the past.

The day/after all this went down, our two younger sons started their college semester. It was a mess, they showed up for class to discover they'd both been purged from the system. I had to stay and help them get all that figured out. Plus they were upset that we were upset. I didn't want them worrying about me. Or their Dad telling them his lies.

Luckily J's been away from home more often than not, so I'm able to stay in my home for the time being anyway.

Cynthia said...

Ouch! Just know I'm thinking about you. Hoping you find some peace soon.

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