Here I Go

You know when you first find out your husband is "talking" to another woman behind your back, you feel a lot of anger and hatred. Like your love and marriage was murdered, never to be revived.

But being married and loving someone for 23 years is a hard habit to break.
Or well, at least it is for the one of us that actually loved the other, rather than just our own self.

When I say he's self-absorbed, I don't think anyone can truly understand how extremely self-centered he really is.  Even I still have a hard time comprehending it, and I've lived with it a long dang time.

Apparently, he feels like he's the one being wronged here. That he didn't do anything wrong? Or that maybe he did, but since he had been going to let me read the messages, and that (he claims) he wasn't hiding anything, then I have no right being mad about it.

Even though I said, and really felt like at the time, that my marriage was over, 23 years is hard to just wave off.  For me, at least.

Apparently it's of no consequence to him. Que sera, sera, bitch. 

Oh, I'm sure if I apologized and made nice, he'd forgive me and we'd go on as usual.
Or, well, maybe not at this point.

This is what's confusing me. I can't figure out what's going on.
I do know for certain he's an affection leech. He needs someone to care about him. More than one someones apparently. But at least some one.

So I really feel like for him to be able to blow our marriage off so easily, he must have another affection source to suck the life out of waiting in the wings.

But if so, who?
He said he de-friended the Other Woman the night I caught him chatting with her and hasn't talked to her since. From what I can tell periodically checking his FB messages, texts, and our cell phone bill, this is true.
He has a new email address at the ambulance service I can't get in to, but I can't imagine them only limiting their cyber-romance to email and nothing else.
(They could possibly talking/texting by cellphone, if she's using a different number than she put in her message.)

Otherwise, his boss at the ambulance service whom he has a big crush on is, I believe, happily married, and to a better man. I think she's got enough sense to realize J would be a terrible choice to leave her husband for.
I could be wrong, though. But the FB messages and texts I read between them were mostly innocuous.

None of the other FB messages I read with other females were in any way alarming, either. Just friendly.

So then I'm thinking, okay, there's not another woman, he just feels like he's the one being wronged, because in his mind, he hasn't done anything for me to be so mad about.

Still trying to find out what's going on, yesterday I try to go in to his FB account to find out he'd signed out and the password was different from what it used to be.
Why would he do that?
Later yesterday evening I tried again, and he'd left it signed in, but had deleted all his messages.

Well, all the messages that weren't in the Archive. That's the reason I don't think he knows there is an Archive.

Anyway, I've already read the messages that were there, why delete them now, unless there was something new, that I hadn't seen yet, that needed deleting?

This whole thing has me a complete mess. Half the time I don't care if he is seeing someone else behind my back - good riddance. The rest of the time I'm suspicious and sneaking around looking for evidence and hurt and upset that he's not even trying to fix this mess that he caused.

Half the time I'm listing off the reasons that I'm glad to be rid of him - he never was much of a prize anyhow - but then the rest of the time I'm pissed off because I invested a lot of years in him and us, and this should have been our time. The best time of our lives. I had a lot of plans for us, eventually retiring to the mountains and Florida to spend our olden years.

I was such a mess yesterday, when I saw on the calendar he's not working and will be home tomorrow and Saturday, I decided I couldn't deal with it. I have to get out of here.

I packed a big load, several rubbermaid tubs of things like my Photos, Scrapbook things, kids' memory stuff that I'd planned to eventually start relocating to my parents place in the mountains anyway. My parents spend most of their time in Florida now, and the place in the mountains is part of my eventual inheritance, so me and J had always planned on moving on up there as soon as feasible. The plan had been for him to retire early at about 55 years old, which is only like 9 years away.

Now I'm starting the move up there early, and without him.
I'm afraid it's going to dawn on him what he's screwed up and done. He threw away a lot more than just me.
Then the begging and crying will start, and I'll never be able to believe it wasn't only for selfish reasons.

Because it's common knowledge he's done with working now. He's ready to retire now, and spend every day hunting and fishing. He loves the mountains and it's always been his dream to be able to live up there full time.

Dream on, asshole. 

Yes, as a matter of fact, he has always been that stupid.  It didn't matter at first, he had me to help him, and I knew every.freaking.thing.
Along the way I learned that I didn't know anything. But he never learned that about himself. He still thinks he's intelligent and knows what he's doing and makes good choices - they just always turn out wrong for some reason that is someone or something else's fault.

I am really lucky to be getting shed of him. Really lucky.
I just don't know why, even knowing that, it still hurts my feelings.